Dear fellow orthinophiles.
For the benefit of those of the few fortunate enough, just recently, to be stuck under either icecap being pursued by UNCLE Solo's huskies and UNCLE Kuryakin's polar bears; or those you who had been volunteered for our ongoing research for perpetual sleep, without television, I must decry the biased news coverage of what I must admit was rather unfortunate. The National Geographic documentary, in particular, seems to have been scripted by Waverly in person. In fact, the position may be summarised thus.
Models of Thrush's latest and most sophisticated doomsday weapon (Mark 13, of course) had been posted in the centres of most cities of the civilised world, and LA, disguised as modern art. Which they were, of course. Agents Solo and Kuryakin were cocooned in MOMA's red tape. Agents Slate and Dancer had made anexpedition into the Guggenheim store rooms and been abandoned by their native guide. Even though we could only post one or at most two weapons in the large cities - the weapons turned out to have a fierce territorial imperative - Thrush appeared to be about to bring it off. Under budget, too. Just one small thing we'd overlooked.
Pigeons trying to get in everywhere. And it's amazing what they can get into, like so many little feathered Kuryakins. What they can't get into, their feathers and down can. And then, their crap gets over where they can, and where they can't. Pigeons trying to nest everywhere. If they failed - they didn't always - they took the computer tape to nest elsewhere. Pigeons...well, in short, pigeons.
I would like to commend the memory of the research team which I had the honour to lead. We discovered two things.
The first is, is there is really nothing to be done about pigeons.
The second is, that the nearest there is to an effective cure is more interesting than precarious membership in a criminal gang - who would, let us be frank, have no idea what to do with humanity if they had it.
I therefore have the pleasure of tending my resignation, effective immediately, and signing myself
John Smith (acting)
International Raptor Foundation
note to any further labour arbitration teams sent by management in the traditional fashion. I appreciate the eagle handlers might make a hit squad nervous. But we keep early hours in the foundation, and if there are any more burglars at two in the morning I'll set the owls on them.